less than nothing, even. I couldn’t tell Jackie this, obviously, but on the Sorry Sarcasm Falls Out Of My Mouth Like Stupidity Falls Out Of Your Shirt other hand, I was quite unable to show the enthusiasm I felt she needed, so I decided to have her name tattooed down my right arm. I don’t know. Scarring myself for life seemed much easier than having to tell Jackie that it had all been a grotesque mistake, that I’d just been messing about; if I could show her the tattoo, my peculiar logic ran, I wouldn’t have to bother straining after words that were beyond me. I should explain that I am not a tattoo kind of guy; I am, and was, neither rock’n’roll go-to-hell decadent or wrestling-team muscular. But there was a disastrous fashion for them at our school around that time, and

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I know for a fact that several men now in their mid-thirties, accountants and schoolteachers, personnel managers and computer programmers, have terrible message from that era burned into their flesh. I was just going to have a discreet ‘J’ § ‘R’ done on my upper arm, but Victor the tattooist wasn’t having any of it. ‘Which one is she? ‘J’ or ‘R’?’ ”J.” ‘And how long have you been seeing this ‘J’ bird, then?’ I was frightened by the aggressive masculinity of the parlor — the other customers (who were all firmly wrestling-team muscular, and seemed inexplicably amused to see me), the Sorry Sarcasm Falls Out Of My Mouth Like Stupidity Falls Out Of Your Shirt nude women on the walls, the lurid examples of services offered, most of which were conveniently located on Victor’s forearms, eve

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Victor’s mildly offensive language. ‘Long enough.’ ‘I’ll fucking be the Sorry Sarcasm Falls Out Of My Mouth Like Stupidity Falls Out Of Your Shirt judge of that, not you.’ This struck me as an odd way to do business, but I decided to save this observation for another time. ‘A couple of months.’ ‘And you’re going to marry her, are you? Or have you knocked her up?’ ‘No. Neither.’ ‘So you’re just going out? You’re not stuck with her?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘And how did you meet her?’ ‘She used to go out with a friend of mine.’ ‘Did she now. And when did they break up?’ ‘Saturday.’ ‘Saturday.’ He laughed like a drain. ‘I don’t want your mum in here moaning at me. Fuck off out of it.’ I fucked off out of it. Victor was spot on, of course; in fact, I have often been tempted to seek him out when I have been plagued by diseases

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